My 28th Birthday
I was fine until a couple of hours ago when I realized that my birthday is relatively insignificant. I try to say that birthdays aren't that important. No one will be here for my birthday, my birthday dinner will be my parents, their foster kids and the boys and I. I am going putt-putting with the boys today too. That will be good. It will be good to have fun with them. However, it still aches some. I don't have him, I don't have anybody to share the day with. I'm not special to any one in particular today. There isn't anyone to take me out tonight. I am 28, a couple years away from 30, and I am alone. I have so many blessings, three great little boys, I know I should take all the joy in them, but that ache is still there. I'm not young, I'm not pretty, I'm not skinny, I am a single mom of three boys and that is who I am now. Most of the time it is okay, but it is days like my birthday, or other special days when there is no one around to distract me. It is a day just like every other day now, like every other day. James asked me why I'm not too happy today and I told him just because. He told me that birthdays are supposed to be happy days. It will be okay when we are out having some fun. And then tonight we will come home and the boys will fight, cry, yell my name constantly for no particular reason and it will grate on my nerves, and then they will go to bed and I will sit here alone and realize that I am alone for another birthday and that I have many more birthdays to live alone. Someday I will get over it. Nothing is ever consistent anymore. My next birthday will probably be okay and each holiday or special day gets a bit easier. I try to do better, I try to remember my joys and my blessings. Sometimes it just hurts.