The First Expression of Pain in Writing

8/29 It has been four weeks now. I have been separated from him before, like the five months when he was in Iraq, and several other times while he was in the Army and really I know there is a wall at about two months, and I know it will hit harder knowing that this time he won’t return, not at all and not for any reason. I am pretty sure that I am still in shock, but I think it is starting to wear off and it hurts really bad and it is horrible when I have the moments of realization. I try to avoid it. I try to find a balance between thinking about him, remembering him and avoiding it because it hurts so much. When I sort through pictures or read memories about him from other people it really starts to ache really bad and then I get in a bad mood. I can’t take the kids being loud and needy at the same time as dealing with my emotions. My oldest is sweet and will rub my back and hug me and tell me that he loves me. I don’t want him to carry my burdens too though. I want him to see me grieve so he knows that is okay, but I just want to make sure that I don’t put any more on them than what is their own grief. My middle son, who just turned 3, interprets all his feelings as being angry. I hung up a collage of pictures of Mickey on the wall and I asked Micah if he liked them and he said “No, I’m mad.” He doesn’t quite understand the emotions. I think they understand the knowledge aspect of it. They understand their daddy is gone from the Earth, that he is in heaven and we talk about their daddy all the time. Sometimes I can go on with my day, for moments, hours even and feel normal, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks, especially when I sit around the house, or when I return from a long day of being in town. Sometimes when the phone rings I think to myself, oh maybe that’s Mickey calling and then I have to remind myself that he won’t be calling. A few times I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and that hurts when the reality comes and it isn’t him and it never will be him again. I just have to remind myself that this life isn’t forever and I will see that beloved man again, but it hurts so much that it won’t be here and that I have to raise the boys alone and that they won’t have their daddy to help the grow into men. It hurts to know he won’t hold me in his arms anymore, he won’t be able to hold my hand. There won’t be anymore trips to the hardware store (that is how we got out of the house alone usually), no more movies together or dinner. We were planning on getting away on a real vacation soon, there won’t be any of that. There won’t be anymore of him wrestling with the boys on the living room floor or working out in the yard with them. I even miss his snoring that kept me up at night sometimes. I miss him calling from work to check and see how my day is gone and I miss him sitting in his chair at night after the kids go to bed, like we used to do together, side my side in our chairs. I miss him putting on his aftershave in the morning and walking through the house so when I got out of bed I would smell it. I miss the half full coffee put because he always insisted on making a full pot even though he was the only one that would drink it. I especially miss at 5:40 everyday him walking through the door after a long day at work and him saying “Hello dear.” I miss his kissing me before work every day. I miss his constant jokes and making fun. I miss his beautiful smile and his unique laugh. I miss his love.