Misunderstandings

I think that people misunderstood some of my last posts. I haven't been sleeping horribly. It seems most people think that I said I had trouble sleeping the last five days, but instead I said that I just had dreams those nights. I was sleeping, I was dreaming. I am getting sleep, don't let that concern you. Others have suggested grief counseling, but I don't think I need grief counseling. If I had anger or guilt, I think that would be a good idea, but I don't. I have deep sadness and pain that anyone would have going through this. I read in one of the grief books I bought that people often have those kinds of reactions. That people will think you are strong if you don't share your feelings, but if you do, a lot of people will think you are going crazy. That is not the case. I don't need to go talk to a stranger about my grief. I have my family to talk to. They will tell me that I am having normal feelings, that I am going through the stages of grief (which I can read about in a book) and give me some ideas to do like journaling (blogging), writing letters to Mickey, keeping busy, etc. All of these things I can read about in a book for free instead of paying someone to tell me that. If it got to a point where I wasn't able to function on a daily basis, then I would definitly seek help. I am going back on my Paxil to help with the anxiety and overwhelming feelings I get, the same ones I had after Mickey was shot. That should help with my frustration aimed at the boys.

I am not going crazy, nor is anything I am feeling odd or abnormal. It is the same feelings that anyone feels when they've lost the love of their life to a sudden death, or any death for that matter. Especially ones that have children. I have you all to talk to about it, and that is my therapy. I just need you to understand that. I need you guys to call me, and you don't have to talk about Mickey's death, or how hard it is, just talk about anything. Keep me busy, keep me distracted, help me to think about life. I don't know why people would avoid me because of it. There is no where that requires people to talk only about the death. If you want to talk about it, that is fine, but I don't necessarily want to either. Ask me out to lunch, ask me to go shopping with you. Ask me to come visit. Send me an email. Come over and help me clean something. Ask me if there are any phone calls I don't want to make. Take my boys out to play. Take my boys out to play. Hug my boys. Call them on the phone. Help them do projects. Those things will help me a lot.

Holly gave me the idea of making a quilt of Mickey's clothes. I really love quilts, and I woud love to do that. It would be a very special thing to me. I am going to ask Grandma Anderson first to make it, but if it would be too hard for her to do, too emotional, I will try to find someone else. I still have a lot of pictures to put in photo albums too. I would love help doing that. I would love help getting pictures copied out of Joel's photo albums to put into mine.