Yesterday Was Hard

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I am not exactly sure what made it so hard. It was the first time in a couple of weeks that I sobbed. I would have stayed in bed if three little boys would have let me. I missed him so much yesterday. I was going through our winter clothes and just seeing his carharts and winter stuff made me sad. He won't be here to play with the boys in the snow making snow forts and taking them on snowmobile and sled rides. He won't be here to track snow into the house that I step on with my socks....I can hardly stand to write this without breaking out into tears. I miss him so much...waiting for the years to pass before I see him again is going to be hard. I miss everything about him.

Heather, Mickey's sister, left again, moved downstate with her boyfriend and dropped out of school again. That is a horrible place for her. Mickey did everything for Heather and spent many of his young years taking care of her, watching out for her, even providing for her. He left for the Army with one of his main goals being able to provide for Heather's future. He then took her in when Joel could no longer deal with her and we gave her a good home, security, running water, heat, supervision, boudaries, love...all things she was without much of the time. She threw it back in our faces a few times, and she broke Mickey's heart entirely. He was hurt more than words can say. I was hoping that she meant what she said when she wrote him a letter saying that she was going to turn her life around, go back to school and join the military and do something good. Well that has already passed and Mickey told me not to get my hopes up. I, foolishly, decided to offer Heather the world. I told her if she came back home, it wouldn't be like before. I wouldn't be a parent. She'd have to follow some rules like be in by mid-night and not come home drunk or stoned, and not smoke or drink in the house or anywhere in front of the boys. Reasonable things right? Also she had to help around the house, but no chore charts or anything, just help out, like someone who lives in a house would do. I told her she would need to go to school or work. I told her I'd homeschool her for nine months, get her through highschool and get her ready for the ASVAB to enter the military. It would only take nine months. I told her if she was on track, I'd pay for her to get her driver's license so she can have the degree of independence. But she told me that she was afraid to come up because she's been with her boyfriend for seven months, and that it has been going well. Seven months?! She'd trade her family, her education, everything I am offering her for a relationship of seven months?! She said if she left her boyfriend would break up with her because he can't do long distance relationships....Must really love her then huh? I guess she doesn't see that. I knew she wouldn't make the right decision, but part of me held out the hope that she would and that part of me has a broken heart now. I wanted so much for her to make the right decision, to make the right decision for Mickey. So he could see all of his work finally make a difference. So I could help accomplish that for him. I was looking forward to having someone live here and someone that would be here to help out a little bit, and for that extra something to do, help her get through school. But most of all I was doing it for Mickey or wanted to anyway. I wish she'd do it to make her brother proud. I wish she'd come home so she could see her nephews grow up, so she has the opportunity to see her grandparents, and other family members. But she won't, she'd rather be with a boyfriend of seven months that would break up with her if she went home to help her brother's widow and to finish her education....I just don't get it....She's coming up here this weekend to get her stuff. I am picking her up when I go visit my sisters down state. Then he'll come get her when he gets his truck fixed I guess. I pray that she comes to her senses while she is here, but once again, I don't count on it. I wish she'd see the light, but I guess if you aren't seeking it, you aren't going to see it....

I miss being someone's special someone. I miss having someone take care of me. I miss having someone look out for me. I miss having someone that will do the things that I just don't want to do around here. I miss having someone to snuggle up to when I first crawl into bed. I miss having someone who's only first priority is me. I miss having that special touch, being needed by that special someone. I miss knowing that someone loves me as a woman. I am no longer a wife, a special friend, a lover, a partner, a life helper....that's all gone from me....