The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Friday, July 06, 2007

One Year Approaching

I miss him. I think about him at least a dozen times a day. The last times we had together were these summer memories that don't include him now. I can't believe he's gone and isn't ever coming back. I wonder when this feeling will stop. I wonder if I should get away from all of the things that remind me of him, but then I know that I have to preserve them for the boys. I want to move forward, but I can't leave behind the past. I don't want to forget him, and I don't want to just leave it there in the past, I want his memory, his self to come along with us. I want the boys to know that. It is almost like I can feel him around here, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. It just reminds me that he isn't here. He isn't here and he isn't going to be. I had a dream last night that he hadn't really died and was just gone for a long time. He came back and Owen so excited to see him. He went right to his daddy and they grinned at each other. And yes, I am still waiting on that dream.

I want to go away. I want to go somewhere. I want to just leave here for awhile and go have new experiences. Do new things with the boys. See new places. Visit people we know. Right now it is bad enough, but when everyone goes back to school, and the fall comes and then the winter it is going to be even worse. I am on nobody's invite list except my family downstate and I seem to be doing all the inviting up here which no one but the immediate family ever makes it to any way. I am a second or third or worse string friend to anybody. I don't think I close myself off. I'm open and friendly to people and go to things people invite me to when I can. I just don't fit it to the circles anymore I guess. I don't know why it is up to me to contact everyone, and when I do, they don't usually contact me back. I know they are busy in life too, but if it were of any importance to them, or if I were a first string friend, or a networker like my sister-in-law, you can be sure that they'd call back or be getting a hold of me.

If I had more money I think I'd travel a lot once fall came. There is a place to visit in CA, and GA, and CT and ME. I'd go to TX, but I think that would be too hard. Maybe a road trip in the fall. I don't know hard that would be for the boys. But once later Sept. hits, everyone is off and doing anything else anyway, except Nanoo. She's the one person that doesn't leave and doesn't have better things to do, except for David...he's a lot of work.

A friend said that I am discontent. I don't know if I'd say discontent, but I am lost still. I don't know what to do with myself. Life is boring and vague. My directions are still very fuzzy and I don't know which way to go. I love my boys, my family, my house, where I live, but I just don't know. I am afraid to disappoint others and I am not sure I am brave enough to do go a whole lot on my own. I'd even like to spend some time downstate and be with the rest of my family. More people to hang out with. More people who are genuine and will treat us as first string friends. But then what would I do with my house and my animals and our stuff. Would it make a whole lot of sense to pay for a place to live when I have a free place to live here? I should buy a new motor home and use it to travel. If gas weren't so dang expensive that might be more of a viable option.

I'm being pulled to get away, but I just don't know where to go or what to do.


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