Overwhelming and Frustrating
When I was a young girl and a teenager, I knew that all I ever wanted to do was getting married and have children. It was never just get married, and it was never just have children...I wanted both. I had both for almost five years, but now I have my children without my husband. Sometimes it makes me angry, and my anger has no real direction, just outward some and inward a lot. I am not necessarily mad at God, though sometimes I am thoroughly frustrated with Him. Apparently I hadn't gone through enough being an Army wife that my husband had to get shot, and apparently being the wife of an injured veteran with PTSD wasn't enough either, He took him away. Now being a single mom isn't enough I guess. I need to be or do something else, but I can't seem to get anywhere. I feel alone and frustrated. I don't have someone to share with anymore like everyone else does. I am on my own at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I am my own companion and my own responsibility. Everyone else, rightly so, has their own families and/or lives and responsibilities, and mine is not their priority...my family is only my priority. It is hard and lonely to carry all the responsibility alone, especially since it wasn't supposed to be this way, it was not my choice and in one day it all changed. Its been eight months. I still miss him, and I always will miss him, and I still grieve the fact that he is not here to help his boys grow into men. The immediate pain no longer comes from the grief of losing him, though that pain will always exist, it is not the forefront. The pain now is loneliness, frustration and being overwhelmed. A house, bills, and children to carry alone. Yes, other people offer to help, and it is always appreciated and welcome, but it isn't their first priority and it usually doesn't end up getting done, or gets done weeks later and by then I have fifty new things that need to be taken care of. Money solves all problelms it seems...if I could pay someone to do everything, which I am going to have to end up doing, it can get done, but now my savings are dwindling down to almost nothing, I have a half finished pole barn that is probably going to end up draining the rest of it just to get it complete, because I don't have time and energy to track down the horrible builder that my dad referred to me that seems to be ripping me off for thousands of dollars. Not to mention medical bills that no one wants to pay from Mickey, I still have to finish paying for his stone, I will probably need my roof fixed, my car cleaned out from the stupid cats peeing in it. I also need to plant my garden that I already bought all the seeds for, and that means I need the yard tilled up, which means that I have to get my dad to till it because he has the tiller which is too big for me to use, which means I have to wait until he has the time, either that or buy a tiller which isn't going to happen because they are too expensive. I need to weed and feed my yard because last year it was too picky to even walk in and I want a place for my boys to play. The bathrooms both need to be finished. Someday I want to finish the swing set. There is a spigot in the front yard that Mickey was trying to get hooked up before the accident. I need to get my garage cleaned out and organized, which I can't do because the barn isn't done, and it was supposed to be done in Jan. I need the front storm door installed, the fan replaced in the boys bathroom and my room needs to be completed. Things I want to do include moving my room around, perhaps painting it, getting all of the bins and storage things out of the house which can't be done like it should be because the garage is a mess. The golf car tires need to be put on. My dumb laptop is broken still, which isn't a big deal, but it is just another thing to do. My kids have been sick all winter it seems and this last time was horrible and draining and now I have a cold. I can't get too much help from my mom now because she now has her first real foster care placement, and he's little and needs the attention. My cupboards and drawers and wads of paper need to be cleaned out and organized. I need to get more organized. I have an exterminator coming on Monday to tell me what I can do about the mice living in my heating ducts and then Sears is coming on Monday to the tune of $254 to clean out the heat ducts which are full of nesting materials and I'm sure mouse feces and urine that my poor kids and I have been breathing in every time the heat has gone on this winter (yes, maybe that is why they are sick so much). My grandma was just in the hospital for her heart and that was pretty scary. Not that it got close, but there was always the worry that she wouldn't make it, and that made me think of having to say good bye to someone I love permanently again, and thinking of the funeral and all of that was painful. Mickey's cousin and his wife are having a really hard time right now with their marriage and that makes me sad. I have a friend who I could see being happy with, but he has his own issues that make it impossible right now, and that is very frustrating and sad to me. It just makes me more aware that I am alone, and perhaps I will always be. Yes, God provides, and God sustains...yes, I know these things, but knowing these things don't really offer any real comfort. Sure, I know that I'll make it and eventually everything will be taken care of and all will be well...but I have very little comfort in knowing that maybe it will take years, and maybe it won't be in this life, but when I die, well then all my needs will be met, I won't be frustrated and overwhelmed or angry anymore. Its only another sixty years to wait for that. I have the faith in knowing God will provide and it will all be okay, He's shown me that, but that really does nothing to heal the pain and the hurt now. I feel like I'm just managing to exist, that I am scraping by, and even in being mediocre I still can't get the simple things done like getting my house clean and organized and managing my finances. Sometimes it feels to me like it would just be easier to pack up a little bit of stuff and go somewhere else and start over at least for awhile...at least until I have found my new identity that I am forced to find. But that would probably be irresponsible wouldn't it? I don't know...maybe six months or so out west in the mountains would do us all good. It is very tempting.