At Least I'm Not Job
It is probably more or less feeling sorry for myself, however, it doesn't change the fact that I feel it. God took away, allowed for my husband to be gone, and with that happening, a lot more has been taken away too. I've talked about my identity being taken away, well a big part of it. Support, love, friendship, someone to call my own to call me their own, that was all taken away too. Most of my friends, or at least people I have called friends, or are in the network, are all in different places in their lives. I don't really feel as if I have very many friends anymore. One set is going to move away, most of the others now have newborn babies, or no kids at all. I don't get asked to come to things, because I have boys, no one else does, and mine aren't quiet little babies. Someone went out of their way this past weekend to make sure I had no details about a party for someone I've known for 13 years. Friends of the person who didn't tell me about it were invited, these friend hardly knowing the person the party was being thrown for. My brother was here for about two hours, one of those which was painting, but then had to leave to get ready for the party. There was rain the morning before, so we didn't paint right away, but he had another party that evening so he wouldn't have been able to help then. He wanted to take the boys out mushroom hunting, but I couldn't go, but he said he wanted to see the boys so he would come over to help with the baseball diamond. Well, that didn't happen either. Apparently they must have decided to go hiking instead. Despite my every intention to not count on the promise he made to be there for the boys, I still get upset that he only sees them twice a month, and usually there has to be other people. And half of the time it is rushed because there are other things that he has to do. I know he means the best, but like I said, he has more important obligations. I am the only one with the real obligation to them. I have my family, but even there they have obligations that are more important or at least more pressing. I am alone in responsibility with a hand up and some company once and awhile, but when all is said and done...its me. I'm tired. I suppose maybe like Job, God will just keep taking people away from me. Alright God, I know, you are all I need. I know you are in control. I know you are the best, you are perfect, and everything that is good and wonderful comes from you. I know I am not perfect, I know there are things that I can do a lot better. But God, you also made us with the desire to be loved, to be loved by others, to seek other people, you made marriage too and you made parents. What else do you want God? I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my husband, my best friend, a huge part of my life...I don't have a lot left to give that won't kill me. I feel pretty empty. Feel free to fill me up when you are ready.