The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Going It Alone

I proved to myself, if not anyone else, that I can do it alone. I drove to and from the Chattanooga for a trip with my three boys and we had a great time and we did well. When we were there I had a lot of help from Kris, he planned the days, did the driving and was more than helpful with the boys. I don't think I would have done so well if he hadn't been there to help, maybe we wouldn't have done so much, maybe I would have decided never do it it again, However, I know I did it. I drove that far, kept myself and my kids safe, handled any problems and didn't lose it :) That was good, but then the last few days I've realized once again with angst and tears, that I might be a good mom, I'm not the best mom I can be. Sometimes it is just easier to do it certain ways though I know its not the best, and there is guilt. Guilt because I know I'm not the best parent. I get angry, I yell, I get upset at the when it isn't their fault. Guilt because they don't have a dad, and though they might not know what they are missing, they are missing something and they are missing everything that he could have given them, played with them and taught them. James has started throwing fits the last few days. I don't say no enough, I don't discipline enough and he's used to getting his way. Owen still has a bottle and falls asleep with me holding him or laying next to him. I don't do school enough with James. I don't keep up with the house as well as I should. I don't take care of myself as well I should. We should eat better, I should excercise. I need to manage my money better and I need to keep up with my friends better. The most important though, is my children. I just don't know. I am what they have. I am their only parent and I am the one who is responsible for them. I never thought I would ever have to do it alone, and I am afraid I will never be what I need to be, that I will never be the parents they need because I am only one parent. I can't be their dad and I can't be a father figure and I can't be two parents. Even if I get rid of everything in the way and be my best, it will still only be half of what they need. I know I need to depend on God and depend on my family, but my own flaws get in the way. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to do it alone for their sake and for my sake. I want to give them the benefit of two parents. I don't know what God has in store for me, and for them. I know that God has every intention of prospering us, and taking care of us, and I just have to trust that.

I am trying to do things a little different. I try, but most of the time I fail, or get discouraged or something comes up. I need discipline and I need encouragement. I need to keep on track and I need to do it for my kids.

2 Comments:

Blogger BLAZER PROPHET said...

I'm glad you had a nice time on your trip. I also have a few thoughts:

You said, "I've realized once again with angst and tears, that I might be a good mom, I'm not the best mom I can be." Oh, please, stop. I've never met a person that was the best mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, boss, worker... they could be. Nobody is the best they can possibly be. That's defeating for both you and your kids. However, here's a couple of tips- 1) love God and have faith 2) love your kids. In your own non perfect way, just let them know thru your words and deeds that you love them. You'll goof up plenty, but one single 'I love you' makes up for 1,000 goofs. Trust me, I'm an old man and have seen a lot of life from all sides.

You said, "Guilt because they don't have a dad, and though they might not know what they are missing, they are missing something and they are missing everything that he could have given them, played with them and taught them." Why do YOU feel guilty? Believe me when I say this (my mom died when I was 8 and my father was died an alcoholic as he blamed himself for her death), I don't feel I'm missing anything. Sure, it may have been nice to have a mother, but in some ways I'm a better person for what I've been thru. I can help others via my experiences... But I also believe that God wills things that may look like a tragedy to us and yet He will ALWAYS use it ultimately as a blessing if we let Him.

You said, "I can't be their dad and I can't be a father figure and I can't be two parents." Good. Don't try to be a father. Just be their mom and that will suffice. Support them, love them and pray for them. If so, you'll be batting 1000.

You say, "I know I need to depend on God and depend on my family, but my own flaws get in the way." BREAKING NEWS FLASH! You just joined the erst of all humanity. We are ALL flawed. Badly, too. Take your weakness and flaws to God and don't ask for perfection- rejoice that you have flaws so God can show Himself more fully and abundantly to you, your family, and the kids. Frankly, life would be a drag if we were all perfect.

You said, "I am trying to do things a little different. I try, but most of the time I fail, or get discouraged or something comes up. I need discipline and I need encouragement. I need to keep on track and I need to do it for my kids." Listen, dad was drunk 9 days out of 10 by 7pm from the time I was in 4th grade until he died when I was 20. Nonetheless, we had some wonderful times and talks together that I still remember vividly. He loved me the best he could and I always knew that. As such, I revere his memory despite the fact he was a deeply flawed person. I remember his wit & wisdom and consider it the ultimate compliment when people say I remind them of him. Usually, when children lose a parent, they cling more so to the other. They love that one better and bond more closely- even if you don't see it. That means that even in your human imperfect ways, they love you all the more. Take that love and share it back- even when you fail, get up and try again. But above all, trust God and then stop worrying about it. You aren't perfect. Their father wasn't perfect. I'm not perfect. My mom & dad weren't perfect. And your children aren't going to be perfect either. But God is great and He will be the author & finisher of your faith and the faith of your children. Just trust.

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Dot from Maine said...

Good job! I'm glad you wern't scared of taking the boys on the trip and "Just Did It"

My mother sent me to a website that helped me deal with everyday confusion, house, exercise, etc. Its Flylady.net Still praying for you and the boys

11:57 AM  

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