It Still Stings

Last night I had a dream that Mickey was injured really badly, perhaps from the war, maybe it was the accident, not sure, but I felt as though I hadn't seen him in awhile as the dreams always go. He had horrible injuries to his abdomen. When I got to see him I kissed him and hugged him and felt the connection and it was nice. I woke up and I missed him horribly. Seeing him so vividly and being able to touch him in the dream to wake up to him still being gone is hard. I got mad at God this morning for taking away my husband, the love of my life, my best friend, my mate, the father of my children. I asked Him why He couldn't have taught me what He wanted to teach me some other way. Why did he take my boys' dad away? Why did he take my husband away? I don't know what life had in store for me. Maybe Mickey's pain would have gotten worse, maybe his PTSD worse, or maybe it is just about me. Maybe he was just finished and God allowed Him to go home so that he can teach me a lesson better. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I am not fully convinced that it was a good one. I don't need to hear theology either, I know. That doesn't mean I am convinced. Someday maybe I will be, or maybe I will just come to terms with it. Maybe I will just get used to it. I know life will go on, but I miss my friend, my love, my partner, my mate, my entertainment, my fulfillment, my joy, half of my purpose, half of my focus and most of my plans. I know I can do it and I know I will, and I know it is up to me to raise the boys right, but I want to make sure they learn the things their dad would have wanted them to know. I can't be their dad though, so I can only try and apparently that is what God wants me to do.

I am down in GA spending time with another man. It doesn't make me feel guilty at all and I don't really connect the two. They are two very different people and I know that my life has to go on sometime. I know that I can marry again someday and I probably will. I know I want a father figure for my sons and I even want to have another baby or so if I can, after surgery. There are a great many things I can, could, should, would do. Right now I am in GA trying to get my life simplified nd straightend out. I miss home and my family. I want to live at home. Home is where my family is. I don't know if I necessarily would have to live in Lake Ann the rest of my life, but I would be okay now if I did. I have the freedom to leave when I need to and I have a house that is paid for and know what to expect. I have a life time worth of connections up there and it is a safe place to raise the the boys surrounded by lakes and woods and nature that God created for little boys to play in. Not that they don't have woods other places, but that is our woods. I just don't know what God has for us. I just wish he would have left it alone.