The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I Am Not Sure

It has been 22 months and I still don't like I have gotten much of any where. I still feel like I'm waiting, constantly waiting for something to happen. I'm often bored and I'm often lonely. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and I don't want to. I want to be the strong, independent widow that is optimistic, hopeful and encouraged. I want to be the peaceful, grace-filled, hopeful Christian woman. I want to find extreme fulfillment in God, and in my relationship with Him and with what He has provided to me. I have a strong faith, I know that I will be fine, and He will provide for me. I know that if I have to be alone I will be okay. I know that if I trust Him, follow Him that I will be able to raise my boys well. However, I also know made us with some important needs that need to be met like companionship, a purpose, a goal, etc. Here in Lake Ann my support is practically non-existent My mom has three foster kids and can't watch the boys. We can't take trips to town. She can't keep them while I go to a move or shopping alone. My sister is home for the summer, but it will be short lived and I doubt she'll come home next summer. She is busy with work, taking classes. She still takes time for the boys and she is who is making it possible to not lose my mind. However, when she leaves in August and then the winter comes and the boys can't go outside anymore, and there is nothing to do indoors anywhere, it is going to be extremely depressing, anxiety ridden and hard. I don't mind that my mom has foster kids, in fact, it potentially provides me less guilt if I decide to move. I feel responsible for my mom, which I know I shouldn't. She had us when we were growing up and now all of us are grown. Now she has foster kids. She's never not had any children to take care of. She doesn't do anything but take care of children and be on the computer. If she had no foster kids and I left with the boys, she'd sit alone in her house all day long. And for some reason, I feel that it is my responsibility to keep her from feeling that depression and loneliness. So then I have that to deal with on top of dealing with my own issues. I don't really want to be here in Lake Ann anymore. I don't care to be in the Traverse City area. If it wasn't for the fact that I owned land connected to my parents and a house I can't really sell, I would be out of here....oh and feeling like I"m responsible for my mom. Here I own my house with no mortgage, I have two acres, plus my parents eight to use, I have a nice big barn with my goats and storage. The boys can go out and play and wander around and explore for hours on their own...well April through October anyway. They hate the winter. I hate the winter. Winter is too expensive up here. They have room to ride their power wheels and their go-cart here, but then again, that is only six months of the year also. In a small city, like Midland, they'd have sidewalks to ride their bike, only about 1/10 of the amount of snow they get up here, a lot more family to see, be around, and a lot more indoor things to do. They have a community center and a center for the arts. They have more parks, and everything is closer than it is here. However, buying a house down there means having a mortgage, renting my house out up here, and dealing with those issues. I am not sure what outweighs the other. If my parents were to tell me they understand, that I am free to do what I think is best and that they will support me and offer me help then I'd probably leave readily. I am also afraid of leaving and finding out that all the emotional problems I feel that are here are also there. No matter what, if I do leave, there will still be more for the boys to do in the winter, and we can still visit often in the summer.

As for relationships. I don't know. Maybe I am too damaged, maybe it is too much of trying to live my life as I was, or think I should, or maybe it is a matter of not finding that someone else. I highly doubt I will find anyone. I didn't hardly date anyone or have an interest by anyone until Shane introduced me to Mickey. That was it. He was my first pretty much everything and it only took one try, well one chance. There wasn't any body else interested or lined up and that was when I was cuter, skinnier and had less baggage in my life. That was before I had three kids and was almost 30. I met Kris randomly and thought that it was going go be able to go somewhere, thought it was, and then I realized that I wasn't in love with him, but rather with the idea of having someone to share my life with. He's a good guy and has a lot to offer, so why couldn't I have feelings for him. We remain good friends and talk all the time, and maybe if I weren't here there would be something else there. There wouldn't be the emotional issues of being in this life. Maybe not. I don't know. Is it important to have someone that you are "in love" with? Does that go away as you get older? Do people that have been married, and then go into the dating world ever feel that "in love" feeling again? I think I was damaged before Mickey passed away too from dealing with PTSD and some of that "in love" feeling was gone there too. In fact, probably most, but it was still there and we were dealing with things and it was getting better when he died. But maybe I'm too scarred, maybe I'm too tainted...maybe too much innocence is gone to feel that way again. I love love stories, I love the feeling of butterflies and the passion of a new love just from watching or reading stories, but is it silly to expect that in my own life again? I know I'm not the catch of the county and I highly doubt I"m going to find someone else. I had a hard enough time when I was younger, and now I"m not younger, and less attractive than ever, and have three children. I love my children and wouldn't trade them for anything and everything in the world, but I don't think very many men are going to come along side and feel the same way. I don't believe there is a big outcry for overweight, devout Christian women with three kids these days. Nor would I want to find someone that wasn't a devout Christian that couldn't accept me for who I am or accept my kids. So...that narrows the pool right down to nearly nothing, and even when I found someone that met those requirements, I couldn't allow him to continue in a relationship with me when I couldn't be "in love" with him. He never had a real relationship before me, he doesn't feel the butterflies with me, and he is called to a ministry where I don't want to go. I want him to find someone to be in love with. I want him to be happy and have a devoted, young wife to give him his own children and join him along side his ministry. He deserves it. I just think the circumstances weren't right, and we remain good friends and sometimes I worry that I made the wrong decision and maybe it can work if I'm not here or maybe if his ministry ends up having to close down and he's free to leave, but I don't wish it to do that and if the feelings aren't there, they probably just aren't there. I just don't know. I retain a small amount of hope that someday I will find someone that I feel sparks with, that offers a lot of hope for the future.

I am the only one who knows what I am feeling and I'm the only one I know in my position. I know there are lots of people that love me and want what is best for me, but I love them and want their opinion but when they day is done, it is still only me who knows what is best for us and what I need or want to do. However, I can't get away from feeling responsible for other people, from worrying about their opinions, and the desire to not disappoint anymore. I pray for the right answer, I pray for direction, and I pray for wisdom. I want to do what is right and good. I want to do what is best for my sons. I want to do what is best for me too.


Blogger Tess said...

Sigh. I can't even begin to "know" how you're feeling. But paradoxically, what you're feeling isn't alien to me.

You're not alone. And you have many hugs from me, and a ton of love and warmth.

Tess (Wombatty from ywbb)

6:27 PM  
Blogger Ros said...

Thank you for your honesty in writing this. I live far far away from you but I am also a Christian single/widowed mom to four kids aged 8 & under. I am not as far out as you timewise, but I can empathise with a lot of what you are saying.
As Tess said, you are not alone, no matter how isolated you may feel.

7:46 AM  

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