Second Year Slump
I found a name for it. The Second Year Slump. I still cry for Mickey. I am still lonely for him. I mourn the loss of him and the loss of our life. After the first year one is supposed to accept the loss of their loved one. I believe I have accomplished that. I am not angry, I am not bargaining, I am not in denial...those ships have sailed. However, grief doesn't end there. After dealing with losing my husband, I am now dealing with the loss of my own life, or the life I had expected, counted on, planned. I can't make a decision. I can't come up with a solution. Life is vague. Life seems to have no real boundaries, guidelines and very little hopeful leads. What I do know I need to be doing is being done, but it doesn't satisfy the hunger for direction, nor does it give me peace that my life isn't going to be a mediocre day to day existance. I love my boys to death. I would not trade them for anything and they will always be my life. However, someday they will grow up and leave. Even as they are little boys, they can't fulfill who I am as a person. I need God to do that. I need to take my joy, hope and peace in God. I know this. I want God to show me. I'm dense, my eyes are cloudy, my brain is frazzled, and I can't seem to hear Him or see His path. I need some obvious signs, some obvious directions. It is so exhausting to try to figure it out. It is so confusing when I think I know and then ten minutes later I no longer am sure. What is my life? What do I have to offer? What importance to I have? Am I to be just Momma? If so I pray that God just gives me contentment in that. So far, total contentment is not found in just being a mom. It is my most important job, but it is not my whole self, it is not my total satisfaction. Without my boys I would doubly if not more so, miserable, but I am not a one dimensional person and everybody can relate to this. I have absolutely no clue. I feel like a lost, confused, dense, flighty, fickle, discontent, ridiculous person.