The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Going Home

It is time to go home. Home is with my family. Family is the greatest gift God has given me. I struggle with Jesus saying that if you love your family more than you love Him that isn't good. I guess if I were turning away from Him to serve my family, that would be bad. I don't believe that is the case. I believe He is calling me to be near my family. I believe that God has given us the family structure, the people in my family, for very specific reasons. I believe it does take a village to raise a child...and villages used to be people of the same kin Even if adults don't need extended family, children do. Especially boys without daddies.

Micah is more Micahish than usual. Kris has a sister who is a counselor of sorts, her degree is in psychology, and she said that it sounds like Micah has seperation issues. He knows death, the effect of death at such a tender age and he knows that death took away one of his parents, one of his caregivers, one of his bonds to the life he knows. And being down here, I am the only one that is that connection now. He gets desperate to hold me sometimes, to be near me. He climbs on me constantly and is constantly seeking some kind of attention. He needs to be home with some more of his family so he feels more secure. Owen has these traits too, just not as much and not quite of the same understanding. He misses his Nanoo, his other caregiver, and he doesn't want to be without his Momma. James misses home, security, his things, freedom to wander, safety of home and having other people around to hang out with and talk to. He nearly cried when he saw a picture of our "brown" house covered in snow. I think we all know that feeling...the ache for home, for the familiar, for the place our hearts rest.

I know I need to go home, but I struggle with the future still. I have no clue what is going to happen with Kris and myself. I don't know and a lot hinges on that. I know that it could be a great thing, and that it would be painful to lose it. I know that whatever happens I will, be fine and God provides, and that I can find a different direction, but that doesn't mean I want to do that. Right now I am just excited for Christmas, for Christmas at home, Christmas with everybody I love and being together. I am excited to teach my boys about what CHRISTmas really is, and help them celebrate that. We hung up lights, got a tiny tree and some Santa hats to decorate here. That isn't Christmas but it creates a celebratory atmosphere to separate the rest of the year from this time of the year. I am focusing on find books, videos with the true meaning of Christmas instead of the commercial focus. I am excited for that.


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