The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Monday, September 08, 2008

It's Frustrating

I haven't written in awhile, nor will I probably very much. I'm tired of thinking about, and dealing with the things that I write here, and I'm sure it is even less interesting for other people to read. Nothing has changed very much inside or outside of my heart.

For now I will stay put. Mom isn't going to adopt the girls or do foster care anymore after these kids are permanently placed somewhere else. I will have more help with the boys, and will be able to do more things, which should help in a great many ways. I will be less frustrated in this and hopefully can get out of the house and start doing more things and the boys will have one more person to help them, play with them, take them places, teach them.

I will start this next part by asking for no lectures, encouragement or anything like that from anybody. They don't serve the purpose. Everything you might respond with about God and His wisdom I know, understand and more or less believe, but understanding with the brain very often does not do anything for rallying the heart. God and faith can withstand badgering, bitterness and anger much better than we can. I will be angry at God, and I am a bit bitter towards God. It seems He has more or less turned His back on me. Whether this is my fault, or not, I don't know, but I pray for wisdom and I pray for understanding, and get very little of it. I don't know what He wants me to learn, I don't know what he wants me withstand any more, and I don't believe it benefits these little boys much. I begin to feel more like a hypocrite every day teaching the boys about God, and about His goodness when I can feel my heart grow a little bit harder every day. I suppose it wasn't enough to have my husband shot, develop PTSD...He took him away completely. And its not enough that my husband is dead, I have to deal with this trials which I don't understand. I gain weight consistantly. I've tried doing a few different things, and short of being rich and hiring a personal chef and a personal trainer, I'm not going to lose the weight I need. I cannot get out there and run, my knees and hips won't allow that. I cannot join a gym and go work out every day, because I am a single mom. Walking only works part of the year, is boring and discouraging and that does not lend itself to consistancy. I don't have enough will power, I'm usually half angry and bitter, and no one loses as much weight as I need to without the money and the time to spend all their waking day devoted to it. Therefore, who the heck would want a fat widow with three kids? There are not many lining up. If I had a beautiful face, my weight might not matter as much, but I do not have that either. On top of my appearance (which as much as one might say doesn't really matter, try dating when you are my age, and fat on top of that) I have a list of requirements that I don't think very many men out in the world can match. They are not negotiable because I'd rather be alone than to find someone that was less than that. He needs to be a Christian man, with strong morals, strong moral character, willing and able to be the head of the household, he has to love my kids, be a churchgoer and willing to be involved in the church and ministry, accept and encourage homeschooling, be a family man, be consistant, solid and strong. Now you try to find a guy like that who is unmarried and would date me....yeah, I know...impossible huh? Oh, and he should be from somewhere nearby, or if not be willing to come to the area. Yes, I know...guess I will have to be single. Why does God want three little boys to have no earthly father to help the grow into men? Why does God have for me to be single, when I know that is not what I want or need? The boys need a dad now, and not in five years or ten years...they need one now. They don't have the consistant father figure they need. There is no one willing to spend a few nights a week with them. They have two people, both that live busy lives. One can see them once a month or so, one can do something with them sometime on the weekend. This is better than nothing and better than some other boys have, I know. Don't whine Katie. I'm angry though and feel I have the right. So either leave and don't finish or deal with it and keep reading. There are others that have it worse than me, and I don't wish for their lives, but that does nothing to heal me. It is hard being a single mom. It is hard trying to raise three boys on my own and try to be everything to them. (Don't even pull the public school card here...schools would do far less to help me, but only create more problems. It is not okay to send my kids to public school because I want a break during the day. That is a sad excuse and will not happen. There lives are worth far more than me deciding I need a break so I'll send them away all day every day. So, though that might make others upset, deal with it, it is my conviction, and though it may not be yours, it doesn't make it wrong, nor can I say the same about your convictions). Taking care of my boys is my greatest joy, but it is not a one person job by design. I am not meant to be single by design, but for some reason it has come to that I am to function this way. I suppose it is like when someone loses a limb they have to learn to function without it, and though they always wish that they could have that limb back, and they feel phantom pains of the limb, psychological pain from the loss, it doesn't change the fact that they have the loss and it isn't going away. You keep going on and change the way you live to try to compensate for it, but it won't ever be normal. God created the family for a reason with a mother and father, and I don't have that because of God's will. I don't understand that. Perhaps He means to provide for someone and my human nature is getting in the way, my overweight self, my frustrated self, but I feel very weak and unable to do much about these things. Pray for strength, pray for wisdom...yes, I do, and so do others for me. Thanks.

So what do I expect? I don't know. I guess I expect that I'll get over it, and I'll deal with it and I'll look back in a few years and be glad that I got through and that it really was okay. I will realize God was there, though I had to struggle through the entire time. I will continue to be an amputee that adapts without the missing appendage. I don't really expect to find anybody, the numbers of widows that remarry are not really that high, and I have a feeling this has little to do with their choice. I could abandon some of my morals and requirements, but that would do little for my soul and little for the welfare, hearts, and souls of my little boys, though it is tempting at times when I see many other people doing the same thing. I'm a romantic at heart, but that is pretty much dying in me. Life isn't a fairy story at all and the great love stories are just that, stories. There aren't knights on white horses, and no one is going to come rescue me in the tower.


Blogger Sari said...

(((HUGS))) I am glad you will have the extra help from your mom, and give you a chance to get out and develop some of your own interests. It's got to be suffocating at times.

I started school a few weeks ago, and I will tell you that just doing that has made me feel better. I'm more optimistic about the future. School might not be what you're looking for, but I'm sure you'll find out what is.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Ros said...

Life is not a fairy tale - you got that right!
I realise you are very angry right now and anything I write may make you more angry or not even help, so I apologise in advance if my comments make you feel that way.

Yeah - fellow widow here. Will I ever remarry? I don't know - not sure of too many men who would 1) want to take on a widow with four kids & 2) sounds like I have pretty similar standards to you...
so chances are slim, I guess.
(especially since many of my friends are single and haven't even found a guy yet).
SO... I try to be thankful to God for the years I did have with my husband, and in the mean time I try to surround myself with really good girl friends.
Was it really God's WILL that your husband & my husband died? I wouldn't (personally) say that exactly. Yes, I do believe that everything is in God's control, but we do live in a fallen and imperfect world and as you are well aware, it is full of all sorts of terrible circumstances for different people.
Satan loves destruction and chaos. He would want us to fall apart and have our hearts hardened to God through our circumstances. He would want for our families to fall apart, for our children grow up out of control, for us to be depressed and unhappy.
God allowed to happen what happened, but I am sure He doesn't find satisfaction in seeing the joy ripped from our lives.
I know you said you don't want advice and lectures because you know all this but sometimes it doesn't hurt to hear it again.

Yes, I will pray for strength and wisdom for you, but I will also pray for happiness and good friends for you.

Again, sorry if I have made you mad.

7:49 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home