Dulling

Opening it back up really hurts and I don't really want to do it. I have to reorder pictures of Mickey and Joel brought some over today that I've never seen before and it hurts to see them. I don't want to have to peel the scab off over and over again. I ordered some stuff today like an ornanment, a wall plaque, and garden stone for memorials to Mickey. That is just peeling the scab and it really isn't any fun. I would rather just stay as it was. I was doing just fine and now this is all coming back up again. I can't do anything about it, but I guess this is what happens, especially at holidays. I need help putting the photo albums together. I don't think I can sit down long enough and look at all those pictures of my life with him over and over again to put it together by myself. I miss him so much and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I will just peel this scab and then let it bleed and let it scab back over...eventually it will heal right? But they always told us not to pick the scab because it leaves a scar...well that's too late. It was a horrible cut that will leave a humongous scar that hopefully doesn't disfigure. I just want to go back a year. I wish I had a do over button. I'd rather him hate me for telling him no to the motorcycle than to have to through this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I am so tired. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to sit alone at night, I don't want to plan things alone.