Medicine
While I know that the feelings of loss and lonliness will keep coming up, I think they were made worse or my coping abilities were thwarted by the fact that I hadn't taken my Paxil for like a week. I couldn't find it am horrible about taking meds unless they are right in front of my face. So yesterday I searched until I found it and took it and so hopefully that will help me moderate a little bit better.
My sisters are coming home this weekend and that makes me happy. They hang out with me and they hang out with the boys. I wish they hadn't all had to leave! They are all doing well where they are, and it is probably better that I don't depend on other people anyway. This way I am forced to deal with reality. It keeps me in the realization that they all have their own lives, and it will always be that. Actually, it will get worse...well not worse, but you know what I mean. They will get very invovled in college or their jobs, and the ones that aren't married, will get married and have their own families. If they aren't local, I'll probably only end up seeing them a couple of times a year as it goes when people grow up and have their own careers and families. I wish we could all be here, but I don't think that will end up happening. I think that is one reason why I want to remarry...so that I have someone to call my own that won't leave, that won't have another focus somewhere else, someone to help me in my life, with my life, and doesn't have devotion, responsibility elsewhere.
I am going to buy stuff today for the boys to make ornaments for Mickey and we will hang them on the wreath at the cemetary. I'll probably also buy some more helium so we can do balloons. That will be nice for Christmas. We'll have to make a tradition out of it. It is a way to included Mickey in Christmas with us, and I think that will help.
Last night I was really upset at the boys (yelling, short tempered) which I hate, but not taking the Paxil doesn't help. Anyway, I was mad at Micah for pulling all the books off the shelf as we were trying to get ready for bed because he was looking for a book to read. I kicked him out of the room and commenced to rant and rave and then a toy fell off the shelf behind me. James said, "I didn't do it. I don't know who did." I took a deep breath and told him maybe it was Daddy trying to get me to settle down. I don't know if I believe that or not, but it was kind of comforting.
I hate dishes and laundry. I wish I could throw away all my dishes and use paper ones. That is good for the environment huh? Sometimes I say screw the environment...I want my life to be less complicated. Cooking isn't fun for three little boys who hardly eat anything and are picky half of the time. Cooking makes more dishes and takes time to do and well...it's not that enjoyable for me. It was better when I had Mickey to cook for, but even then he never gave me ideas and it was cooking the same old things. I liked to cook before I had children and when there was only two people to clean up after. I need to find someone that likes to do dishes :) Laundry is another non-favorite thing of mine. It would have been a lot more simple to live back in the day when they had two outfits :) I don't mind washing the laundry, it's the folding and putting it away that I don't like. I honestly would like to clean a bathroom three times a day to avoid dishes and folding laundry :) I like to have a clean house, and work constantly at that, except for the dishes and the laundry I can hide :) This really has nothing to do with grieving, except for the fact that somtimes it feels really useless because there is no one here to appreciate it or tell me I do a good job or thank me for it.
I want to take the boys and go someplace warm for a week or two this winter. It won't happen because it is expensive and I don't know anybody that has a vacant winter home in Mexico or an island somewhere. Florida isn't quite warm enough in Jan or Feb for a beach. Maybe a cruise. Something to get away. I don't know, it probably won't happen, but its fun to think about.
Well I am getting ready to take Micah into shop for his brothers. James had his turn yesterday.
My sisters are coming home this weekend and that makes me happy. They hang out with me and they hang out with the boys. I wish they hadn't all had to leave! They are all doing well where they are, and it is probably better that I don't depend on other people anyway. This way I am forced to deal with reality. It keeps me in the realization that they all have their own lives, and it will always be that. Actually, it will get worse...well not worse, but you know what I mean. They will get very invovled in college or their jobs, and the ones that aren't married, will get married and have their own families. If they aren't local, I'll probably only end up seeing them a couple of times a year as it goes when people grow up and have their own careers and families. I wish we could all be here, but I don't think that will end up happening. I think that is one reason why I want to remarry...so that I have someone to call my own that won't leave, that won't have another focus somewhere else, someone to help me in my life, with my life, and doesn't have devotion, responsibility elsewhere.
I am going to buy stuff today for the boys to make ornaments for Mickey and we will hang them on the wreath at the cemetary. I'll probably also buy some more helium so we can do balloons. That will be nice for Christmas. We'll have to make a tradition out of it. It is a way to included Mickey in Christmas with us, and I think that will help.
Last night I was really upset at the boys (yelling, short tempered) which I hate, but not taking the Paxil doesn't help. Anyway, I was mad at Micah for pulling all the books off the shelf as we were trying to get ready for bed because he was looking for a book to read. I kicked him out of the room and commenced to rant and rave and then a toy fell off the shelf behind me. James said, "I didn't do it. I don't know who did." I took a deep breath and told him maybe it was Daddy trying to get me to settle down. I don't know if I believe that or not, but it was kind of comforting.
I hate dishes and laundry. I wish I could throw away all my dishes and use paper ones. That is good for the environment huh? Sometimes I say screw the environment...I want my life to be less complicated. Cooking isn't fun for three little boys who hardly eat anything and are picky half of the time. Cooking makes more dishes and takes time to do and well...it's not that enjoyable for me. It was better when I had Mickey to cook for, but even then he never gave me ideas and it was cooking the same old things. I liked to cook before I had children and when there was only two people to clean up after. I need to find someone that likes to do dishes :) Laundry is another non-favorite thing of mine. It would have been a lot more simple to live back in the day when they had two outfits :) I don't mind washing the laundry, it's the folding and putting it away that I don't like. I honestly would like to clean a bathroom three times a day to avoid dishes and folding laundry :) I like to have a clean house, and work constantly at that, except for the dishes and the laundry I can hide :) This really has nothing to do with grieving, except for the fact that somtimes it feels really useless because there is no one here to appreciate it or tell me I do a good job or thank me for it.
I want to take the boys and go someplace warm for a week or two this winter. It won't happen because it is expensive and I don't know anybody that has a vacant winter home in Mexico or an island somewhere. Florida isn't quite warm enough in Jan or Feb for a beach. Maybe a cruise. Something to get away. I don't know, it probably won't happen, but its fun to think about.
Well I am getting ready to take Micah into shop for his brothers. James had his turn yesterday.
posted by Katie | 9:39 AM
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