Refined by Fire

While I would have rather had it any other way, losing Mickey has refined my faith by fire. My faith has grown, my acceptance of God's will, my understanding of prayer, the peace of my soul...have all increased. I am usually okay. There are times that tears come to my eyes because I miss him. The hardest thing to deal with is reoccuring picturing in my mind the accident. I don't like that at all. It is still hard to imagine sometimes that I have to live the rest of my life without him. It is strange and surreal that it is true. I still don't have a lot of direction in my life. Day to day is about all I can do. I am confused about my purpose, other than being the mother to my sons. I dont' have a whole lot of other things to focus on and the future is too cloudy too see much of anything.

I find myself missing the company of the opposite sex. I don't know what it is in us as humans. I really don't want to get remarried, or even have a serious relationship anytime soon, but like I told my sister, I would mind the attention, the affection and the thrill I guess of a "crush". It sounds so childish, but then again, it is just a surface relationship, and that, to me, is nothing like betraying Mickey, or something like that. I don't really know. I think I am almost ready to start meeting new people, to start hanging out with other single people. I am not sure. Maybe after the Holydays (misspelling on purpose). I love hanging out with my married friends, but at times, I would like to hang out with other people in a similar boat, as there aren't very many at all in the same boat. I don't know though. I don't think there are heck of a lot of social opportunities for a 26-year-old mother of three little boys. I am pretty sure the young adult groups consist of people under 25, and then other groups that are just singles groups, usually consist of older divorcees. I really don't know any single people, and if they are, they are involved in serious relationships. By this time in the lives of my peers and I, they are married and starting to have children. I used to be ahead in those areas, and now I am now way out in a different field...

I might take some classes at NMC this spring. If I am going to go for my BA in English, there have to be plenty of classes that NMC that I can take for cheap. Maybe that would offer social opportunities, but I kind of doubt it. Oh well, God knows that I need, and what I want, and He will provide for me where He sees fit.

I am getting new pergo floor put in Friday and Saturday in the living room and dining room. That will be nice. Next will be tile in the kitchen, and finishing the bathrooms.