"Who You'd Be Today" (adapted)

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Would you be proud of your family,
I wonder can you see your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.
________________________________________________________

Mickey,

We listened to that song together thinking of Liz and now I hear and think of you. I never thought I would have to say that. I never thought I'd hear that song and have it tear my heart out because it was about you. I miss you like hell Mick. The say the first time around, the first holidays are worse...I don't think that is true when they fall when shock is still there. Like my trip to Maine was harder this time. Seeing you everywhere and knowing you were there, you grew up there and that you'd never be there again to show the boys all of the wonders of Maine. Owen's birthday party is today. You aren't even here for our baby's second birthday party. He'd make you laugh so much. He'd love to sit with you like he was starting to right before. He's almost a year older now. He can do so much, say so much, and he's such a goof ball. Just like you. All he wanted for his birthday was a gockle...which is ironic because that is what took his dad away, but he doesn't see it that way. He knows his Puppa has them, and that they have wheels and go. I couldn't get him a two wheel one, hopefully they never want one.

Today is Father's Day. The boys are still little enough and we talk about you enough that they know they can still honor you today, and they always will I am sure. It hurts more for me. It hurts that you aren't here. The summer is killer. Every time I take them to the river, I know you died less than a mile from there. Every time we go over to Uncle Mark's lot or the cottage, we go close to where you died, and that hurts. I can't go that way...maybe I never will. In my head I can see your smiling face, the little gap between your front teeth, your smiling eyes, the sun creases from so much time in the sun in the Army. It should make me smile too, but it just makes me miss you. It makes you more real to me, but you aren't here. I can see you shoulders, and your arms would be really dark because all of your time you spend outdoors in the summer. Your red neck. You'd be the one taking the boys fishing, doing things with them outside. You'd love the barn. I am sure you'd have everything moved in there by now and have three or four projects going. You'd like the look of our new floor but you'd hate it on your foot. It gets cold. I put the pool up by myself mostly. Emily helped about as much as I did last year. I put it up mid-June, you did mid-May and it was cold. I didn't have that problem. You did it with your foot so sensitive to cold. I remember it hurt for days. But you did it for your boys.

We went to the beach yesterday and I cried half the way there. I was already having a bad day, I missed you so much and then going out to the beach and remembering the last time we'd been there was when you went with us. The brakes got hot on the truck and caught the grass on fire next to it when we parked. You always had so much fun at the beach and you would have had a ball with the boys. Cliff played with them, but your focus would have been them. James is being brave, but I can imagine him getting out there and doing so much more if you were there helping him, encouraging him. He mentions you a lot and said the other day sunny days make him miss you more.

I talked to you in a dream last night, but it wasn't quite the one I wanted. It didn't make total sense but I saw you and touched you and it was good to see you okay. Maybe I'll see you again and we can talk more about our kids and you can reassure me that you see them and that I'm doing okay.

It still hurts to realize that you are gone forever, at least in this life. You were such a big presence, so much my life. I am amazed that I go on and have a life without you. I sometimes look at it from an outside point of view, a single mom who lost her husband in an accident raising three kids alone, and wonder how she does it and if she's doing okay. Life goes on I guess though sometimes I don't want it to go on, I want it go back. I still wish that God would do a miracle we know he can do and bring you back. Or one of those cases where they messed up identities, but I know that isn't the case because I saw you and kissed you in the hospital. Why did God take you Mickey? Why did you leave? Why do I have to do this not knowing if I will have to do it alone the rest of my life. Will I find someone to be a good husband and father like you tried hard to be? I wish I didn't have to. I wish you could be here and raise your family yourself. Why did God give us a family and take you away? He hopefully is going to give someone else the chance to do so, and I hope that you are up there helping Him to chose that person. I don't believe that God has be being alone forever, or for a long period of time for that matter. I don't have any problem in separating you from him, but I wonder if he will not understand that. I know that I will always grieve you and I will always have hard days. You were and will always be my first love, my first everything. You are the a huge part of my past and were the path of my future that now I am forced to rethink and reforge and undo seven years of planning and hoping. All those dreams and plans of doing things as a family are gone and I have nothing to replace them with. It is what makes me feel empty, alone, lost and unsure. I tell you that these three boys you gave me are what keep me going. They are the loves of my life and they are utterly amazing.

I place a lot of hope in seeing you again in Heaven, but at the same time it makes me really sad knowing I have to wait that long and raise our boys by myself in the meantime. Mickey, I love you and miss you. Our boys are beautiful and I am sure you see them. Not sure how that all works, but I am sure somehow you see them. You can see how they are starting to look more like you all the time and I am sure you remember things you did as a boy that they do now. That is all Grandma and Grandpa could say about Micah, your perfect namesake.

I miss you arms and your hands. I miss you sleeping next to me. I miss kissing you on your way to work and waiting for you to come home. I miss knowing that you are out in the garage or the yard working on something. I miss your enthusiasm about everything and how positive you usually were. I learned a few things from you that I use to survive now. It hurts to see your pictures everywhere so if I put them away for a bit that is why. It hurts to do things we did together. I was thinking about going back to Texas, but that would kill me I think. It hurts bad enough on these hot sunny days...driving places...we were always driving places. I can see us on 190 in Texas, driving somewhere, Walmart, the base, BLORA, someone's house, going out to a movie or just taking a drive. We drove a lot. I can picture us in our Dakota.

Sunny day seem to hurt the most...

I love you Mick. Happy Father's Day. Wish you were here for our babies 2nd birthday, and our middle boy's 4th and our Jame-o's 6th and for everything else they do. I miss you like hell and if I could, I'd trade everything, except these three boys I couldn't live without either, to see you again.