The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

At Home and The Future

I arrived home on December 21st. It was nice to come home and see my family, to be at my house and to have my things. However, I still come back to the unknown. However, I have decided to make the unknown known. I will forget worrying about what might or could be and to make things myself. I know what I have to do though the energy and drive to do it is limited. I am making some changes in my home. I am moving the three boys to the master bedroom. I don't use the space and they need it for their stuff. I will move into one of the smaller bedrooms. It will be nice for them to have that space to put their toys and more space to play with their toys. I still have many things to put away from the trip and Christmas and I had to get the winter stuff out and now I have bins around the house. I need to go through and get rid of more things. These tasks are the daunting ones. I know that if I just plug away at it and get it done it will be is just starting them. I also have to set the school schedule back up, and work our way back into being home. I plan on starting school in April, so I will have to get all my paper work done for that also. I need to get the boys to the dentist and I need to get myself to the dentist. Owen needs to go to the doctor for his constantly stuffed up nose and his thumb nails.

On a different subject...I don't know if I am or will be good wife material for anyone again. I am not sure if I was great wife material to Mickey at the end because of my own adjustment issues and being a busy mom. I put my kids first because they are the ones that appreciated me most, or at least I felt that way. I wasn't always the most responsive or affectionate and used the excuse of being a mom and taking care of the house to avoid what I should have been doing. I should have swallowed more pride and been more humble. I know that I can't change that now, but I know that I can avoid doing that to someone else. My kids are my life and I guess that is the way it should be. For someone to be in my life they are going to have to be stronger than me, stronger willed, be able to make solid decisions, and to carry their weight plus more. They are going to have to respect my family bond, but show me a proper balance. I need someone that can stand up to me, but also support and inspire me. I think more or less I am damaged in this. I am not sure I can have the lovey dovey feelings that other people have. I am too quick to doubt, put up walls and I have too much ability to cause pain to other people. I don't necessarily deserve another spouse and I don't really want to hold anybody back from what they need to do. This isn't a romance novel or a fairy story. Damaged good don't usually sell well and I don't want to give someone a damaged product. Maybe someday when I am able to transform myself some more into something else, changed my packaging a bit, someone might come along that is ready to take that on, but the princes of fairy tales don't exist and I am definitely not a princess.