Going Home

It is time to go home. Home is with my family. Family is the greatest gift God has given me. I struggle with Jesus saying that if you love your family more than you love Him that isn't good. I guess if I were turning away from Him to serve my family, that would be bad. I don't believe that is the case. I believe He is calling me to be near my family. I believe that God has given us the family structure, the people in my family, for very specific reasons. I believe it does take a village to raise a child...and villages used to be people of the same kin group...family. Even if adults don't need extended family, children do. Especially boys without daddies.

Micah is more Micahish than usual. Kris has a sister who is a counselor of sorts, her degree is in psychology, and she said that it sounds like Micah has seperation issues. He knows death, the effect of death at such a tender age and he knows that death took away one of his parents, one of his caregivers, one of his bonds to the life he knows. And being down here, I am the only one that is that connection now. He gets desperate to hold me sometimes, to be near me. He climbs on me constantly and is constantly seeking some kind of attention. He needs to be home with some more of his family so he feels more secure. Owen has these traits too, just not as much and not quite of the same understanding. He misses his Nanoo, his other caregiver, and he doesn't want to be without his Momma. James misses home, security, his things, freedom to wander, safety of home and having other people around to hang out with and talk to. He nearly cried when he saw a picture of our "brown" house covered in snow. I think we all know that feeling...the ache for home, for the familiar, for the place our hearts rest.

I know I need to go home, but I struggle with the future still. I have no clue what is going to happen with Kris and myself. I don't know and a lot hinges on that. I know that it could be a great thing, and that it would be painful to lose it. I know that whatever happens I will, be fine and God provides, and that I can find a different direction, but that doesn't mean I want to do that. Right now I am just excited for Christmas, for Christmas at home, Christmas with everybody I love and being together. I am excited to teach my boys about what CHRISTmas really is, and help them celebrate that. We hung up lights, got a tiny tree and some Santa hats to decorate here. That isn't Christmas but it creates a celebratory atmosphere to separate the rest of the year from this time of the year. I am focusing on find books, videos with the true meaning of Christmas instead of the commercial focus. I am excited for that.

Second Year Slump

I found a name for it. The Second Year Slump. I still cry for Mickey. I am still lonely for him. I mourn the loss of him and the loss of our life. After the first year one is supposed to accept the loss of their loved one. I believe I have accomplished that. I am not angry, I am not bargaining, I am not in denial...those ships have sailed. However, grief doesn't end there. After dealing with losing my husband, I am now dealing with the loss of my own life, or the life I had expected, counted on, planned. I can't make a decision. I can't come up with a solution. Life is vague. Life seems to have no real boundaries, guidelines and very little hopeful leads. What I do know I need to be doing is being done, but it doesn't satisfy the hunger for direction, nor does it give me peace that my life isn't going to be a mediocre day to day existance. I love my boys to death. I would not trade them for anything and they will always be my life. However, someday they will grow up and leave. Even as they are little boys, they can't fulfill who I am as a person. I need God to do that. I need to take my joy, hope and peace in God. I know this. I want God to show me. I'm dense, my eyes are cloudy, my brain is frazzled, and I can't seem to hear Him or see His path. I need some obvious signs, some obvious directions. It is so exhausting to try to figure it out. It is so confusing when I think I know and then ten minutes later I no longer am sure. What is my life? What do I have to offer? What importance to I have? Am I to be just Momma? If so I pray that God just gives me contentment in that. So far, total contentment is not found in just being a mom. It is my most important job, but it is not my whole self, it is not my total satisfaction. Without my boys I would doubly if not more so, miserable, but I am not a one dimensional person and everybody can relate to this. I have absolutely no clue. I feel like a lost, confused, dense, flighty, fickle, discontent, ridiculous person.