Stepping

I am reading two books right now: The Purpose Driven Life and Living In Your Sweet Spot (Max Lucado). I also have been thinking a lot lately. I did something that I thought was just changing the house around, but really it started the ball rolling for another round of healing. I moved out of my bedroom and moved the boys in there. They have taken over that space and it is now a wonderful room for three little boys and all of their stuff. I have no purpose for a room other than to sleep and one of the smaller rooms is more than adequate for that. They have a ton of room to play in their room now, a cubby/fort area, and a closet big enough to hold nearly all of their toys. It is a great room. It is no longer Mickey's and my room and I have my OWN room now. I am also in the process of getting rid of things. Things that we don't need or don't use. I am trying, once again, to simplify. Max Lucado says in his book that we have a purpose given to us by God, and He equipped us with what we need for that purpose. Anything we hoard, collect, obsess over, fill up our lives with that don't help us accomplish that purpose need to be removed from our lives so that we have greater freedom in pursuing it and less distraction. This is very true, very freeing and a great directive when trying to organize my life from the top down.

I have also applied for a college program in town. It is an adult accelerated program that meets once a week for 18 months and then I will have my BA in Family Life Education. It is supposed to begin in April and will continue to the following October without very many breaks and a lot of homework. It meets one night a week for four hours so I will not have to sacrifice much time with the boys and I can continue with our normal schedule.

I also saw a movie the other night that probably should have made me sad, but instead it was encouraging. P.S. I Love You is about a woman who lost her husband and how he, through letters he wrote before he died, directs her to finding herself and moving on with her life despite her loss. They had been married for 10 years and had been the best of friends with plans and hopes for the future and then he was gone and she did not know what to do with herself. In his letters he guided her, directed her, sent her on trips and took her back to who she was before they had met, and told her that it was okay that she move on, that she find happiness and even love again, but most of all that she find the one thing that made her happy and gave her purpose. She did in the end, and in the end she didn't have to have the man to fulfill her like in last year's Catch and Release, she found the fulfillment in her own purpose, a hopeful future, and in the relationship with her friends and family. She came to understand that though her husband was gone, that he would never be absent from her life because of the memories she shared with him, the lessons he had taught her, and the strength that he gave her.

Perhaps going beyond what most people care to believe or speculate, I think that God, or Mickey has been giving dreams of Mickey to Owen. Owen talks of his daddy all the time, and perhaps it is an imaginary friend thing, but I think it is more than that. Owen knew which leg was Daddy's bad leg. Owen talks about his Daddy teaching him things that he would not have had because he was only 13 months old when Mickey died. It is interesting and comforting to me. To know that Owen has some kind of connection to Mickey that I was afraid would not ever be. And though I knew it before, life does not end at death, neither do relationships, or connections. Mickey is still alive in spirit and though I don't understand all the dynamics and facts about life after death, I do believe there is still a connection and it helps me to find peace in living the rest of my life, and having it end and having us all reunited some day in Heaven. I know Mickey isn't concerned for the harsh things of the world, because he is a bigger picture, and I know that he sees God's hands in our lives because he has a first hand look at it. I know he is proud of his boys and I hope he is proud of me.

I am more hopeful and less distracted. I know I have a purpose and most of the purpose of my life is raising my three boys into strong, faithful, serving young men. I have been given three lives to mold, three souls to prepare, and it is a big and wonderful job I have been blessed with and I know that God equipped me to do it, even if it is by myself. I am fearful and wonderfully made by Him, and I take hope in that. I understand that I also have other gifts God gave me, and that I have gifts to use for the purpose of His kingdom and that I need to seek, develop and use these things also. Life is going to be fine, and someday I will look upon God's face and plan on hearing him say that I have done well. Then I want to look to his side and see Mickey, Liz, Grandpa B and all the others that will go before me and smile and them, run to them and hold them close. Then I will wait for all those to come home after me.