The Journey Through Grief of a Young Widowed Mom

My grief journey after losing my husband of six and a half years. I am 27, and he would have been 28, in September 2006. We have three little boys, 6, 4, and 2.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Going It Alone

I proved to myself, if not anyone else, that I can do it alone. I drove to and from the Chattanooga for a trip with my three boys and we had a great time and we did well. When we were there I had a lot of help from Kris, he planned the days, did the driving and was more than helpful with the boys. I don't think I would have done so well if he hadn't been there to help, maybe we wouldn't have done so much, maybe I would have decided never do it it again, However, I know I did it. I drove that far, kept myself and my kids safe, handled any problems and didn't lose it :) That was good, but then the last few days I've realized once again with angst and tears, that I might be a good mom, I'm not the best mom I can be. Sometimes it is just easier to do it certain ways though I know its not the best, and there is guilt. Guilt because I know I'm not the best parent. I get angry, I yell, I get upset at the when it isn't their fault. Guilt because they don't have a dad, and though they might not know what they are missing, they are missing something and they are missing everything that he could have given them, played with them and taught them. James has started throwing fits the last few days. I don't say no enough, I don't discipline enough and he's used to getting his way. Owen still has a bottle and falls asleep with me holding him or laying next to him. I don't do school enough with James. I don't keep up with the house as well as I should. I don't take care of myself as well I should. We should eat better, I should excercise. I need to manage my money better and I need to keep up with my friends better. The most important though, is my children. I just don't know. I am what they have. I am their only parent and I am the one who is responsible for them. I never thought I would ever have to do it alone, and I am afraid I will never be what I need to be, that I will never be the parents they need because I am only one parent. I can't be their dad and I can't be a father figure and I can't be two parents. Even if I get rid of everything in the way and be my best, it will still only be half of what they need. I know I need to depend on God and depend on my family, but my own flaws get in the way. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to do it alone for their sake and for my sake. I want to give them the benefit of two parents. I don't know what God has in store for me, and for them. I know that God has every intention of prospering us, and taking care of us, and I just have to trust that.

I am trying to do things a little different. I try, but most of the time I fail, or get discouraged or something comes up. I need discipline and I need encouragement. I need to keep on track and I need to do it for my kids.