At Least I'm Not Job

It is probably more or less feeling sorry for myself, however, it doesn't change the fact that I feel it. God took away, allowed for my husband to be gone, and with that happening, a lot more has been taken away too. I've talked about my identity being taken away, well a big part of it. Support, love, friendship, someone to call my own to call me their own, that was all taken away too. Most of my friends, or at least people I have called friends, or are in the network, are all in different places in their lives. I don't really feel as if I have very many friends anymore. One set is going to move away, most of the others now have newborn babies, or no kids at all. I don't get asked to come to things, because I have boys, no one else does, and mine aren't quiet little babies. Someone went out of their way this past weekend to make sure I had no details about a party for someone I've known for 13 years. Friends of the person who didn't tell me about it were invited, these friend hardly knowing the person the party was being thrown for. My brother was here for about two hours, one of those which was painting, but then had to leave to get ready for the party. There was rain the morning before, so we didn't paint right away, but he had another party that evening so he wouldn't have been able to help then. He wanted to take the boys out mushroom hunting, but I couldn't go, but he said he wanted to see the boys so he would come over to help with the baseball diamond. Well, that didn't happen either. Apparently they must have decided to go hiking instead. Despite my every intention to not count on the promise he made to be there for the boys, I still get upset that he only sees them twice a month, and usually there has to be other people. And half of the time it is rushed because there are other things that he has to do. I know he means the best, but like I said, he has more important obligations. I am the only one with the real obligation to them. I have my family, but even there they have obligations that are more important or at least more pressing. I am alone in responsibility with a hand up and some company once and awhile, but when all is said and done...its me. I'm tired. I suppose maybe like Job, God will just keep taking people away from me. Alright God, I know, you are all I need. I know you are in control. I know you are the best, you are perfect, and everything that is good and wonderful comes from you. I know I am not perfect, I know there are things that I can do a lot better. But God, you also made us with the desire to be loved, to be loved by others, to seek other people, you made marriage too and you made parents. What else do you want God? I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my husband, my best friend, a huge part of my life...I don't have a lot left to give that won't kill me. I feel pretty empty. Feel free to fill me up when you are ready.

Mother's Day

This is my first Mother's Day without the father of my children. I was thinking about it and while being a mom doesn't hinge on having a father to share it with, mine did, and that is the way it should be. You can't become a mother without the father, thus the way life should be, as God intended it. However, God did intend for it to be different for me apparently. I don't doubt God. I know that He has plans to prosper me and provide for me, but I do find it a little odd that He allowed for Mickey to be taken, the father of three little boys, to leave those boys fatherless. The counselor Micah saw said he needs more guy time, and asked if there was anybody who he can spend some time with once or twice a week. Sometimes there is someone, sometimes he's too busy, and he's really the only one and Shane's got a family of his own. He needs to be with them, and as I said from the beginning, it was going to be that way because it ias it should be. Maybe if I had more guy friends that I trust, but they all now have their own families, with babies, or are too busy, or are moving away. It would have to be someone comfortable with the boys, someone that either had kids my boys age or at least experience with kids. Not a whole lot of that going on around here. I can't be a father figure for them. I can do some things with them that their dad would have done with them, but they need men to show them how to become men. Horrible fathers, who hardly ever spend time with their children, still influence them and guide them, even if it down the wrong path. Father's are important figures, whether they are directly leading in the right direction, or acting as an example of what not to be, none the less, whether they are deserving or not, they have a profound effect on their children.

Another topic: I took the boys out to Maine on April 18th. It was nice to see everyone. It was nice to have peace and quiet, however, this time it was actually harder to be there then when I went out there in September. September seemed to be more healing, this time it was more of a reminder that Mickey isn't here to share with his family, to show the boys his old stomping grounds, to hang out with his grandpa and to share in the standing around and goofing about with his family there. So that made it more difficult to be there. I wish, for the boys sake, that it wasn't so far away. It is too expensive to go out there often and really far to drive. I owe to Mickey, to his family and the boys though to take them back there as much as I can.

Another topic: Kris. I met Kris randomly in a christian chat room one night as I was bored, and wanted some adults to talk to, adults that didn't know me and my situation, and could just chat with. There were only like three other people in the chatroom. We chatted a little, exchanged AIM names and chatted when we saw eachother on...random, friendly conversations. The end of October/beginning of November, we started talking nearly everday, and eventually everyday. We talked about all sort of things, were flirty I suppose. We had good conversations, about important things too, and I realized that he was pretty neat. Around the end of November I realized that I had a lot of feelings for him. More than I should at that point in my grieving and was confused by them for the most part. I realized that a lot of was displaced and that I was trying to put a bandaid on my wounds. I pretty much stopped talking to him. I tried "dating" for a brief few days, wow, that was bad. I would breifly talk to Kris at times, but nothing like our conversations before. It was the first of February when he messaged me and we started chatting, catching up. My blog from about the same time tells of how far I had come at that point, and that I was farther along my grief...I had healed a great deal and was ready to continue our friendship. I soon realized though that my feelings for him were still there. He was just a genuinely nice, caring, smart, funny guy that I had a lot in common with. So, we tried to navigate that path. It was pretty clear that we had a mutual interest in eachother. Kris had all along been sensitive to my grieving process, and said that it seemed I was doing better and we agreed it would be worth exploring. Wanting to get away, and not wanting to go more than a two day drive, I decided to go to Chattanooga, which is not far from where he lives. We'd meet in person and see how it went. Well, it went well. We were very at ease with eachother...he was great with the boys, and we had fun.

Soon after I got back we decided that we'd be committed to eachother in a relationship of sorts. Since then it has been a strange path for me of trying to define the relationship, by the world's standards, by God's standards, by our standards and trying to figure out who and what we are. My feelings for him are pretty strong. I see more than potenial for us, and am hoping that it will continue down a path that has together. We are both realistic people, he more so than I, and we both want to do the right thing, to follow God's will and that is where we are now. He's coming to visit soon. It should be a defining time for us, time to spend alone, as we had the boys with us in Chattanooga. I am excited.