Lonely, Knowing, but Not Going

I am at a point where I've grieved, I've moved past the pain, but now it is in another sad place. I didn't ask for this, and I am really not enjoying it. I got married at 19...and that is all I had ever really wanted. To be married and have children. I got it, and loved it. Then half of that was taken away, and not only half of it was taken away, the burden was multiplied because now I am a single mother of three little boys. I don't believe I am recognized much as a person, or more specifically as a woman right now. My sister-in-law and friend were sitting in my living room talking about the shortage of single people, single christian people and trying to get two of their friends together...and I thought...how about me, I'm alone too. But, I am sure most people think...it hasn't even been four months, she can't be ready yet. However, being ready to meet people is not the same thing getting married...that usually comes a while later...and you can't get married unless you meet people. I dont think that anyone would argue the shortage of single christian men my age, minus those who want a model, minus those who can't handle kids, or don't want kids, or want a few of their own...and well what does that leave? Notta much. So that leaves me with the conclusion that it will definitly have to God that provides. What else would I want anyway? I, more or less, want to share my life with someone. I loved my life with Mickey, don't forget that, but I can't do anything to change the fact that he is gone. I am not meant to be alone, and never had planned on it, nor experienced in my adult life. I know its not a long adult life, but it was the only one I had, and the only one I had wanted, and that hasn't changed. God did not make Katie to be alone, and I don't believe that God would want the boys being raised without a father figure...but woah, that's quite the role for a man to take on...the father figure to three little boys...that is bound to run most of them off. I guess what is left are the good ones :)

Well I guess that is my rambling for now.

Reconciliation

In the book, Understanding Your Grief, by Alan D. Wolfhelt, Ph.D., he talks about never forgetting your grief, or "getting" over it, but rather coming to reconcile with it.

I have to points two make....First he offers the way to reconciliation is intentional mourning through methods such as: talking it out, writing it out, crying it out, thinking it out, playing it out, or other various methods of emotional expression. I think that everyone that knows me well, has seen me do these things. This blog, my posts, the responses and the thoughts that have been thought through because of it, have helped me greatly in this area. Second, he offers the following signs that reconciliation has happened:

-a recognition of the reality and finality of death
-a return to stable sleep and eating habits
-a renewed sense of release from the person that has died,there will be thoughts about the person, but they will not constantly occupy the mind
-the capacity to enjoy experiences in life that are normally enjoyed
-the establishment of new and healthy relationships
-the capacity to live a full life without feelings of guilt or lack of self-respect
-the drive to organize and plan one's life toward the future
-the serenity to become comfortable with the way things are rather than try to make things the way they were
-The awareness that you allowed yourself to fully grieve and that you have survived
-The awareness that you don't "get over" your grief; instead, you have to a new reality, meaning, and purpose in your life.
-The aquaintance of new parts of yourself that have been discovered from the loss of the relationship.
-The acknowledgemet that the pain of loss is an inherent part of life resulting from the ability to give and receive love.

As I read that today, most, if not all of these things rang true to me. Grieving doesn't have a time limit, but has steps. Grieving doesn't have to take years, but for some people it does. I have more or less reconciled myself to Mickey's death. Of course it will forever have an affect on my life, of course I won't ever forget him, or the life I had with him and of course I will always miss him. However, I can say good-bye to him. Typing that brings tears to my eyes, because I thought I'd never have to do it, but I have. The journey isn't over of course, that goes on, but now it is the journey of Katie, not Mickey's widow. Some people probably won't understand how I could in the comparatively brief time. Those people might think that I've forgotten Mickey, or that we had a less than perfect relationship, or that I am ignoring my true feelings, or many other things...but I haven't forgotten him, we had a good relationship through some very hard times, and I have thoroughly thought through my feelings and emotions. I am a researcher...I am a reader. I am not afraid to use and accept the knowledge of others. I have sorted through things, and come to the conclusion...I am Katie, I am single, and I have a whole different life now.

Now, I want to share with you how God has helped me through this. My faith was strong before the accident. Because of this, I never felt anger or guilt about what happened. I never felt anger towards Mickey, the other driver, etc. I had episodes of anger of having to be alone to raise three boys, but completely normal and expected. I, of course, questioned God on what He would let hit happen, but in time I came to the acceptance that we don't always know why, and that our faith sometimes requires us to understand, accept and acknowledge that fact without having a reason or explanation. I don't know why it happened, or why it happened when it did but God knows, and I trust God to handle it for me. I have the knowledge that Mickey is in a better place, a more beautiful place for a soul that had been troddened upon so many times, but still had raised up to glorify God. I have the knowledge that Mickey is good, he's no longer in pain and is no longer anxious, and that he gets to have coffee with Christ :) I think Jesus would drink it black compared to Mickey's three sugars and three creams. I have the knowledge that God allowed for me to share those six plus years with Mickey and that he gave me three beautiful little boys through him. I have the knowledge that someday when we are all together again with Jesus in Heaven that we can laugh and share again with eachother, and the others that loved him.

Most of all I have God's promise that He will never forsake me, He will never let me go, and that He has a life for me of blessings if I am willing to take them, which I am :) I know I have a future, though I don't know what it is. I know that I don't want to be single, but have doubts about ever finding someone again willing to take on the luggage I bring along. However, God knows what He has for me, and I will seek that. I don't have any doubts that God will bring me to the point of marriage again, and my doubts and the hurdles I see are nothing to God. He knows what He doing and He'll accomplish it without my help or worries or suggestions. I know for now I want to be me. I want to continue to figure out who Katie is and take joy in the God blessed role of being a mom of three of His blessings.

Refined by Fire

While I would have rather had it any other way, losing Mickey has refined my faith by fire. My faith has grown, my acceptance of God's will, my understanding of prayer, the peace of my soul...have all increased. I am usually okay. There are times that tears come to my eyes because I miss him. The hardest thing to deal with is reoccuring picturing in my mind the accident. I don't like that at all. It is still hard to imagine sometimes that I have to live the rest of my life without him. It is strange and surreal that it is true. I still don't have a lot of direction in my life. Day to day is about all I can do. I am confused about my purpose, other than being the mother to my sons. I dont' have a whole lot of other things to focus on and the future is too cloudy too see much of anything.

I find myself missing the company of the opposite sex. I don't know what it is in us as humans. I really don't want to get remarried, or even have a serious relationship anytime soon, but like I told my sister, I would mind the attention, the affection and the thrill I guess of a "crush". It sounds so childish, but then again, it is just a surface relationship, and that, to me, is nothing like betraying Mickey, or something like that. I don't really know. I think I am almost ready to start meeting new people, to start hanging out with other single people. I am not sure. Maybe after the Holydays (misspelling on purpose). I love hanging out with my married friends, but at times, I would like to hang out with other people in a similar boat, as there aren't very many at all in the same boat. I don't know though. I don't think there are heck of a lot of social opportunities for a 26-year-old mother of three little boys. I am pretty sure the young adult groups consist of people under 25, and then other groups that are just singles groups, usually consist of older divorcees. I really don't know any single people, and if they are, they are involved in serious relationships. By this time in the lives of my peers and I, they are married and starting to have children. I used to be ahead in those areas, and now I am now way out in a different field...

I might take some classes at NMC this spring. If I am going to go for my BA in English, there have to be plenty of classes that NMC that I can take for cheap. Maybe that would offer social opportunities, but I kind of doubt it. Oh well, God knows that I need, and what I want, and He will provide for me where He sees fit.

I am getting new pergo floor put in Friday and Saturday in the living room and dining room. That will be nice. Next will be tile in the kitchen, and finishing the bathrooms.